![]() “I have a fragile posterior,” he explains. While Jared’s mind might be half-crazed, his body is quite delicate. I’ll scalp Gavin if I have to, and all the rest of those paleface sons of bitches. The half-crazed, half-Apache who will do anything to get your back. But in season four, Jared assures Richard that he’ll have his back by telling him, “You need me. Since Jared doesn’t know when he was born, it would be difficult to presume that he knows much about his ancestry. When I was little, I used to pretend that I shared a room with Harriet Tubman and we were always planning our big escape.” When defending the idea of an imaginary friend in season three, Jared explains, “People do create imaginary friends to meet their emotional needs. They’ll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.” While trying to find a way to accommodate more employees than Pied Piper has room for, Jared gleefully suggests a plan: “I suppose we could put three more workstations here, and then two more over there. ![]() When Richard attempts to get Jared onboard with a plan to plant their app on the phones of every attendee at Hooli-Con, he implores Jared, “Think of it more as forced adoption through aggressive guerrilla marketing,” to which Jared replies: “Well, as a product of forced adoption, I can assure you there are consequences.” “You think I’m scared to catch a case of some bullshit?” “I was state-raised,” Jared reminds Richard. In season six, Jared’s dark side has begun to emerge (or reemerge), most memorably when he chases Richard out of the Hacker Hostel and shoots him with a pellet gun. “You know, it’s like my foster mother used to say, ‘Donald, you have a face for the closet.’” “I have a lifelong aversion to my own image,” he says in one episode. Jared’s discomfort in his own skin can also be traced back to his childhood. Jared replies, “One of the boys at my group home always said that. When at one point he says, “When you don the skin of the beast, the man within dies,” Richard asks if he’s quoting Nietzsche. Over the course of six seasons, Jared has made a handful of references to both group homes and foster parents. In an attempt at honest negotiation, Jared says, “Look, I know what it’s like to only be able to rescue half your family … and it’s awful, but what can you do?” When attempting to acquire Optimoji, a failing start-up that employs a number of talented coders - only half of which Pied Piper will continue to employ - the company’s CEO, Kira, is not willing to cut half her staff. He lost half his family (presumably in some tragic way). And I don’t mean in the same way my deceased friend Gloria did, which the doctors should have really caught because her knuckles were gargantuan.” Then in season five, Jared tells Richard that he has “an enormous heart. When he makes his first sale, he admits, “I’ve organized a lot of estate sales, so this is kind of my wheelhouse.” When the Pied Piper team decides to break the lease on their new office space and sell off all their belongings, it’s Jared who takes the lead on organizing the details. That Jared would be named the godparent to a man who is older than him makes sense when considered alongside the various comments he has made about his friends - who all seem to be card-carrying AARP members. The sixth season of Silicon Valley finds Jared in a bit of a frazzled state - so much so that he admits he is “not sleeping, not eating, I completely forgot my godson’s 40th birthday.” If the above math is right, that means that Jared’s godson is a few years old than him. ![]() The CPS worker couldn’t find my birth certificate, but … maybe now it is.” ![]() When pressed on whether it really was his birthday, Jared - as unaffected as ever - replied, “Oh, I don’t know. In a moment of excitement in one episode, Jared thanked the guys for a day that had been “the best birthday gift” he could ask for. You might assume that Jared is about the same age, but he wouldn’t know. ![]() Zack Woods, the actor who portrays Jared, is 35 years old. Yet rather than reunite with their long lost son, they just had another one instead … and named him Donald, too. But not long after they gave up their son, Jared’s parents decided that they did want a third child. Turns out that putting him up for adoption was the result of having two other children already, and finding first-class travel difficult when you have five people to seat. In “Maximizing Alphaness,” the fourth episode of season six, Jared finally has the chance to meet his biological parents and learn why they gave him up in the first place. His parents gave him up because he made luxury travel difficult. ![]()
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